★ diary shit ★

Sort of a warning before reading this. It can contain some sensitive topics.

5/11/2025

Once again, it has been a while. Work and again trying to get to uni has been making me misserable. It is very late into the night and I have to get up early tomorrow and get ready to travel across the country, but oh well. For some specific reasons, I feel an urge to really get something off my chest. TMI I really get into my last relationship.

Since the very first moment I looked at them and liked them, until the last moment of our relationship, I was misserable. I also had my own hands in it (and since I confessed and tried to keep the relationship alive, was the main one), but it very much did not excuse them. I tried so hard to get used to the cold and celebrate any crumb I would get as if it were a feast. I was a fire in comparison. Desperately shoving myself into a jar and closing the lid hoping they would get comfortable. Genuinely every single therapy session (excluding the one that got me locked up) was about us. But I did not share that I was in pain, I knew what he would say. Even my best friend kept telling me it wasn't good. I honestly kept thinking about breaking up since the beginning to save myself, but I wanted to make them feel loved, to prove them wrong. When they were hospitalised for personal reasons, they suddeńy warmed up and openly talked about our relationship. It was the happiest month with them. But when I got into the same situation, they started pulling away again. After an uncomfortable event (thanks to my anxiety), they locked themself away again. I felt like a seasonal decoration. Several months later, I was having a breakdown and reached out. I shouldnve started with my insecurity within the relationship. I shouldve started with my stronger-than-before suicidality and prepared myself for our conversation about breaking up. The conversation obviously went wrong. I ruined a friendship. Now, more than a year later, I wonder if they ever actually liked me or just pretended to. Every moment hurt. Spent nights crying, covered pages writing my heart out. I was a perfect student before that. Now I am struggling trying to get into uni for the second year in a row. I never hated myself more before that. But one thing has to be said, it made me realise some of my issues. I feel guilty about this, but I still read their blog sometimes. I feel like we traded places. I feel like shit. I hate where I am in life. I regret so many things. They were a good friend and I would give anything to go back and never tell them I liked them.

I genuinely think I overshared the fuck out of it, but it did make me feel better. Noone ever reads this stuff anyway.

But if you ever find this, know that even after all of it, I think of you fondly sometimes. I miss my friend and I am so, so sorry.